Thursday, November 12, 2015

Pinhoti 100-Ed's Fudgesicles

The forecast had reducing chances of rain each day and predicted the rain would taper late Saturday with nice fall like temps with lows in the 50's overnight and daytime high's in the upper 60's. About the only thing right was the high's,

It all started when I said I would never do another 100, then I accidentally clicked on the Pinhoti registration. Brad Reed wanted me to work out with some cross fit sissy's named Cindy and Murph. Didn't do that cause I enjoy my status as somewhat cool. So I took his other advice and bought a kettle bell and tried to incorporate two cross training days a week coupled with 35-60 mile weeks. While I was not faithful to the cross training, Barkley Fall Classic proved that what I did had rewarded me with some success.

I get to the race start and see the usual race posturing taking place; the warm up sprinters, the woods squatters thinking no one see's them, the normal bearded guys, the fashionable bearded guys, the guy showing off his man-bun and finally the barefoot guy who technically had a man-bun. (Craig you are the normal Bearded guy)

Scott Bell and I made a pact to run the whole race together, which lasted approx 19 miles when he decided I sucked and wanted to win. Except for the yellow jackets, and the man-bun barefoot guy getting lost, the first 30 miles was somewhat uneventful. Like when Benj and I run together, Scott (who is redheaded) and I decided it more efficient when one has to pee, for the other to go also. So we stop at a creek crossing and for some reason I felt it necessary to ask him, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" He said yes.

Since the start of the race it had been raining on us, however, it was slightly warm and very humid. Because of the constant rain, every creek crossing meant continued wet feet. Coming through the half marathon point with a pack change, kisses and slaps on the butts for my crew we proceed mostly uneventful on our way to the Morgan Lake aid station which greeted us with a gorgeous waterfall, and a big runoff to cross. Greetings from Michael Campbell, and the other BUTS I continued without Scott to Bald Rock.

My calves and quads were aching so I decided to squat in a creek crossing. Just about the time the bologna pony was going to release some crystal light a guy comes in and says "I may drink some of this water." #whyisthiswatersalty #wheredidwarmwatercomefrom

Much of 27-40 was a blur. I remember running with a BUTS named Jake but that is about it. Everything else was becoming miserable. The climb to Bald rock consisted of dwindling light and dense fog that gave the sense a guy in a mask was around the corner ready to hack me up. and eat my liver. Up to Bald Rock on the side of a slippery cliff I made it to the board walk to be greeted by Jeff Deaton and my wife. As soon as she asked me if I was ok, I had to choke back an ugly cry. My crew set me up at Tony Scotts Bed and Breakfast aid station. Jeff told Martin Schneekloth all of the changes I wanted, and I could tell by the look on his face he was not happy. I was sick of Tailwind and the food portables I made. My whole food strategy fell apart transforming from wholesome nutrition to a sweaty redneck buffet where the dirty kid is licking the corn nuggets.

Martin jumps in to pace me as we begin the Blue Hell descent. This was no trivial pursuit, rather it was very dangerous. The constant rain had formed a river of rushing water that we could not see but definitely hear. It was so foggy the flags could barely be seen and parts of the trail were washed out like a mudslide. At one section I lost all footing and began sliding down the cliff. There was nothing Martin could do but holler at me to grab something. We all know he wasn't going to jump for me. Going down we catch Benj and Megan Nobriga and make it to the bottom together towards 45.  We come into 45 to be greeted by our Huntsville friends and suck down more Coke. Caffeine was all I wanted due to the continuous fatigue of running in the rain.

Martin and I enjoy a long road section until we again hit the dreaded single track again. At 40 I took off my Brooks Cascadia's and slipped on Altra Lone Peak's. I was doing my best not to piss Martin off for the next 20 miles so I tried to run before he would tell me too. The rooty, rocky single track proved difficult for me. My Altra's were excellent at finding every root and rock to bump uglies with. I got so mad I started yelling. Martin told me to stop getting mad or it would get worse. Well it did. I broke down once and asked God why was He allowing this to happen to me. I am 60 miles into a race of my on will and blaming God for stumping my toes repeatedly. What I realized if He was telling me anything was to hold back on this rough section to keep me protected. So as I settled back the toe/rock copulation ended. 

Out of the woods to the mile 65 crew point I sat for more Coke and whatever else I could find on Tony's truck. Martin wasn't going to give me a caffeine pill yet, however I told him I needed something to get me up Pinnacle. Jeff Deaton and I set out for Porters Gap then the Pinnacle climb.  But wait! No one told me about the friggin climb right out of 65. We leave Porters Gap at 68 and after a short ways had not started climbing and I hear music. Jeff says that we must be close. Close? There is an aid station before the climb? I was confused...I thought the aid station was on top. The aid station never came and the music went away as we began the climb to what I only assumed was Pinnacle. 6wks later of intense climbing I hear the music again only to be taunted for what seemed to be an eternity. Back and forth with more BUTS people (Sonny). By this point, words had escaped me. Only grunts and head nods that only a caveman could understand would be my form of communication. Into pinnacle with the BUTS people again. A couple of ladies would ask me if I wanted this or that, however, I could not say anything. Only look an nod. One of the ladies who I did not know calls me by name and compliments my butt or something like that as I left. Later on at some aid station I turned to see some woman on the side of the trail standing in an awkward pose. As soon as I turned toward her I high-beamed her only to realize why she was standing awkard. She had her hand up her shorts squirting liquid plutonium out of her foober. (female-g@@ber)

At some point we finally break free from the single track to some jeep road. HALLELUJAH! About the only thing I remember until daylight was hoping Jeff would tell Martin that I did good. Daybreak on the climb and along the ridge brought fierce wind, continued rain, cold and my buddy Ed on the side of the road covering up some fudgesicles. 

The wind was ripping through my exposed skin, and I stayed just on the edge of beginning to shiver. I knew that I needed to press to stay warm. During the descent to 85 I saw a single car on the road and feared that I had missed the cutoff. Continuing on I saw more cars and then at that point hoped I had missed the cutoff so that I could stop and lay down. Of course in my heart I knew that I would seriously regret it and pushed. Coming into the aid station I was met by my friend Eric Fritz only to see his mouth moving but not really sure what he was saying. Rumor has it he thought I looked like crap and told me to put my panties on to cover up my vagina. Some lady heard it, thought it hurt my feelings and told him he was mean. Hahahahaha, someone actually felt sorry for me. I only remember a couple off faces even though so many friends were there. Dana because she is blonde and Martin cause he was dragging me inside a trailer to sit down. Not sure what happened in the trailer..Next thing I remember is Janice telling me I have to get up and go. The look of concern on her face was on full display and I just did what she said. Anya (Martin's wife) and I set out for the last 15.

In my mind I am thinking about how long it will take to do 15 miles. Normally 2.5 to 3 hrs, however, I knew it would be more like 4-5 hours. I had to quickly break that thinking and focus on just 85-90. We set out at a decent pace. Anya is so encouraging and pushes me in a way that makes me think its my idea. It was so cold and I didn't want her to suffer so I made every step intentional. If I remember correctly no one passed us from that point forward, rather we were reeling in people. The temps begin to warm slightly as we make it to 95. More coke and we push on for more dirt road to 95. 

Literally from 65 on I had to stop and pee at least 20 times. Not even joking. I would drink some water then a few minutes later stopping to pee. One time I stopped a little to soon and didn't let Anya get far enough away before little beefy out...I had to remember I was not running with one of the dudes, however it didn't phase Anya. I even pooted on her. She began to run in front a little and tell me we would stop at the at the flag, etc. She anticipated the inclines and give me the landmarks for the walk breaks. 

Into 95 I make googoo eyes at some brownies then proceed to put them into my mouth like a Hardees commercial, except without the bikini and hose pipe. More Coke and 5 miles to go. We are back on trail at this point and something rises up in me and I take off. Anya is no longer in front, rather running behind me cheering my surge on. Next thing I knew we hit the pavement, thinking we had only 3 miles to go.....Wrong, per Mr. Fritz who drove up told me it was about 4.5 miles. He also told me Martin was coming that I better start running. So as soon as I saw Jeff and Martin we started jogging again. 

Before hitting the main road, Eric told me a bunch of people were walking to get going if I wanted to gain some slots. I told Anya lets go. We didn't run fast, rather consistent until we saw the stadium. Anya starts screaming at me and I get a shot of adrenaline and take off. When I hit the track I ran faster than my 5K pace. I could hear the cowbells and people hollering my name, so I ran harder and 10 feet before the finish line I threw my hands in the air! Fell into Janice's arms for a much needed embrace.

My goal for the race was 24 hrs. Of course this goal was not realistic since I finished in 28:25. It started to feel like a failure until I realized that this was a much different race. Also, because of how I finished. My prayer was to finish strong. You see at Thunder Rock I finish at such a low point. I wanted that feeling of my hands in the air. I got it.

What got me through the race? 1. A good friend Nathan Judd, took the time to write me notes for various points on the course, telling me a story coupled with scripture. That scripture stayed with me and allowed me to draw upon the message as I struggled. 2. The thought of my wife being there through the whole race, and the anticipation of seeing her at every crew point. 3. My crew was so good to me. When I couldn't think for myself clearly they guided and encouraged me. Not sure why they like me but I'm glad they do. I care for them deeply and one in particular hates this sappy stuff. 4. To my Father in Heaven who told me I could do all things....Plus I had to repent for blaming Him for the feet stumping.

FUNNY STORY BREAK:  So after the race Eric tells me about this guy who comes into 85, pulls out some chamois cream like product, sticks his hands down his shorts and lathers his new potatoes. Then the dude without regard for anyone else, sticks his hands in some aid station food and begins to eat.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Barkley Fall Classic-To Beat a Kid

Dewayne Satterfield and Laz
6 am, a trumpet sounds. 1 hour till race start. Squat on the ground, jiggle my stomach and command those foul demon turds to come forth. Nothing. Ten hours earlier at the Windrock Offroad Vehicle Park we are surround by Tennessee's finest hillbilly's with 400 four-wheelers and other offroad vehicles. All night long four wheelers come cruising by the tents, one playing gangsta rap. Rob Youngren takes his pillow, wraps around his head securing it with a belt. Dewayne Satterfield ops to sleep outside on the ground for fear of him or Jeff Deaton accidentally ending up in the pole-hole position in Jeff's tent. I lay in the back of my jeep sleeping about as good as Kanye West at a skinhead slumber party.

Through the famous Frozen Head State Park gate we eventually enter the single track trail and begin to walk up the biggest climb I have ever seen. Switchbacks galore. One lady in front causing a train but its ok, we are hiking fine. We reach the top and begin a completely runnable descent, except our train conductor is not very confident going down. Twenty people follow her unable to pass. I get frustrated and holler out, "Lets go up front...This train needs to move." Two people pass, about a 10th to go till the bottom, we are able to pass.

In front of David Thurman and myself is a young couple running. I will leave out some details so you will not figure who he is. Up ahead everyone comes to a stand still trying to traverse a big downed tree. I veer right trying to find an alternate route but fail, and tell him and his girl to go ahead, that I thought I could find a better way. For this blog we will refer to him as "The Kid". After I tell them to go ahead The Kid says to me "Is this your first ultra?" It wasn't a question, It was a statement. David said, "I think that was sarcasm." I replied, "Well if its sarcasm then yeah I get it, I should have just stayed the path. If it is a question, then yes I have run a few."

Me..."Is this your first ultra?" The Kid..."She and I have three buckles each under our belts." Me..."Wow, which ones?" He made some smart comment to which I replied, "Well I didn't know they gave out buckles at Tough Mudders." BOOM! I look at David and said, "Now that is Funny!" He said I did do the Tough Mudder championship, so if you want to talk about my obstacle racing. I asked again, which 100's did you run, just trying to have conversation. The Kid..."You didn't answer my question, Is this your first ultra?" Me..."Well no, I've ran, blah, blah blah,...and about to get my second buckle." He finally tells me what he's ran, and I feel like the conversation is cool at this point. A little while later on David and I start talking about David Riddle. So I ask The Kid, "Do you know David Riddle? He lives where you do." The Kid..."No, has he won anything?" Me..."Yeah, he sets course records everywhere he goes...(The Kid cuts me off) "Well has he one Western States?" Me..."Well he took..." (he cuts me off again.) "Has we won, blah blah blah..." Me..."No, but he..." The Kid..."Well then he hasn't won everything has he!?! Is he Rob Krar? I don't think so. So he hasn't won everything."  I was speechless, didn't really know how to respond cause this guy wasn't being funny, he was being a feminine vaginal cleansing product. I paused for a second fearing if I kept going we were going to end up in a fight...Me..."Well I guess you are right, he sucks." He replies with nothing. I turn and look at David and David just shakes his head. I'm getting madder and madder. Look back at David and put my fist into my hand, he nodded.

A couple of climbs later David and I pass The Kid and his girl. Eventually we make it into aid station 1. We top off our bladders and before exiting The Kid comes in. I walk up to him and say..."If I was single your girlfriend would be moving to Alabama." Well, maybe that part didn't happen but it would have been great if I had the nads to say it.

We push up more climbs and descents. We meet up with Roy Tamez, Malin Timbs, and a few more cool "Adult" runners. We laugh about how Roy's wife has the hots for me and about the time we were on the prison bus at the Thunder Rock training talking about who we would eat in a survival situation. Of course Roy looks Hawaiian, So I said I would eat him first cause he would taste like Hawaiian food. This chic speaks up and says, "Well I'm German." Stupid me says, "I love sausage." The group explodes into laughter. Made it worse by saying bratwurst. Malin speaks up ands says, "I'm Swedish." I thought it best to shut up right then!

Later on David and I meet up with this dude from England. He asks us, "Is an American mile the same as a British mile?" Me..."I think so. Do you guys do miles or Kilometer? English Dude..."Miles." Me..." Well is there 5280 feet in your mile?' English Dude..."I don't know. I don't know how many feet it is." Me..."........................" While this really did happen, this dude was cool and we ran with him for a while till he left us.

Past Aid Station 2 around Deja Vu eventually coming to Testicle Spectacle. We descend at about a 45 minute per mile pace. SERIOUSLY!

Photo by Will Jorgensen
David and I are in complete shock at what is ahead of us. Go down a homemade trail on a powerline cut full of briar's, turn around at some point and come back up the same. It was so steep that for much of it we would have to descend on our butts. We reach the turn around and the volunteers punching our bids state we are halfway. Halfway? One guys watch showed 18 miles, while anouthers show 20 just pass the turn around point. Either way, both add up to more than a 50K. The climb out was nothing like I had ever experienced. I would soon find out it would be the easier than what was coming. On the way up we hear a whistle blowing. I realized that wasn't a good thing. A runner had passed out on the climb. They found him taking a dirt nap for real! As he came to I heard him say, "I was having the best dream ever."

Photo by Will Jorgensen

We reach the top and immediately go down the other side of the powerline cut called something wil the word Meth in it. Another slow descent, direct sunlight, heat radiating, and a 6 foot black snake cuts in front of me. We find our way to the bottom treking toward the Brushy Mountain State Penitentiary. David and I are spent, dreaming about swimming and an Ice cold Coke. Out of water I begin to get worried. Finally we reach the prison and we see aid. I asked what were the chances of getting an Ice COLD COKE. The guy shook his head no. Another asked me what it would be worth to me. I replied, "I can squeel like a Pig." He opened up a cooler and there it was! I gave thanks to him and the Lord and David and I partook. Didn't even wipe off the top after he drank from it.

Photo by Will Jorgensen
Photo by Will Jorgensen
Through the prison, into solitary confinement, no lights anywhere, to find a dude standing in the dark hole ready to punch my bib. This is where we discovered a real HELL in Tennessee. Rat Jaw. Not only Rat Jaw, but UBER RAT JAW. Supposedly this is a one mile up hill. Before coming I thought it would be no big deal. Dewayne and Rob laughed. As with Testicle Spectacle, much of the climbing you have to use both hands, grasping for briar's to help you get up. 1/4 mile in people are lining the trail taking a break. Dudes with their heads literally  between there legs. Women cussing. Everyone looking for a trail and following whoever seems to know what they are doing. The blind leading the blind. The only thing we know to do is go up and stay in line with the cut. For around an hour to an hour and a half, you are looking directly into someones crack waiting for their brown eye to pop out and wink at you. Our combined body odors mixing in the stale air following us all the way up. IT NEVER ENDS! 

Photo by Will Jorgensen
Until you run this race, you cannot ever understand or appreciate what it takes to make it to the top. Finally we reach the Fire Tower, only to realize we must now climb it to get our bib punched. YOU ARE FREAKIN KIDDING ME! By this point I had already made up in my mind that at Laz's aid station I would drop and hit the road to the .7 mile finish termed the "Marathon" (which was more like 30 miles). I told the lady I wasn't gonna continue. I ate my rice cake PB&J. David Dye comes up and I tell him I am going to drop to the Marathon. He won't let me. Laz overhears and tells me no, that I have plenty of time. I almost start crying, because everyone is talking about how bad the 4 mile climb after the aid station is. David seriously put my pack on me, gets my headlamp and makes me go out for the 9 mile finish.

Chimney tops at the beginning of the race would be bad...but at 30 miles? Roy, Malin and I went back and forth on the climbs. Eventually, we begin to descend and I asked if we had reached the top. Nope, the real climb had not even began. When it did, I found myself for the first time in the race taking breaks. Head between my legs I pondered why I signed up for the Georgia Death Race, and figured I may back out of it. Finally making it to the top for a ridge run. Malin has gotten out of my sight, and I run the best I can, which was probably a 14 minute pace. 

The drop finally begins and I reach my buddy Jeff Deaton's aid station. He tells me I have about 3.3 miles to go and it is all down hill. Something rose up in me. I took off and I ran faster than I have at any point in the race. I was running so fast that I caught and passed others people running. After the interaction with the Punk I had to goals. 1. To beat the sun. 2. To beat The Kid. I may have farted on Malin when I passed her. Passed the cool chic Gina, and several dudes. I catch my friend Dewayne Satterfield and I am in disbelief. When I get to him I ask if he is ok. He stated he had puked a few times, and even laid down for 45 minutes. I told him I was gonna run in and he yelled "No! I don't want you to run with me. You have a chance at beating 12 hours." I hated leaving him. But I ran. Back through Laz's aid station, Laz holds his hand out giving me a high five. I hit the road and give it everything.

Advice to "The Kid"
1. This ain't no tough mudder. We are adults out here to have a good time and enjoy each others company.
2. Yeah I'm nothing special. I am the average Ultrarunner. But if you are going to talk smack make sure I don't beat you by 50 minutes!

Advice to future runners of this race
1. Carry a bladder. 
3. Keep moving forward, you will reach the top.
4. Throw away your skanky smelling shorts! Cause we will smell them all the way up.
5. Don't lay in the grass at the end. I am eat up with chiggers.

Photo by Will Jorgensen

Photo by Will Jorgensen

Photo by Will Jorgensen

Photo by Will Jorgensen

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Hotter N Hell-The Snake Eater and Sasquatch Poop

When you are in the upper echelon of the lower half of the middle of the pack runners, it is easy to get cocky about your mad running skills. So signing up to the Hotter N Hell 18 Miler I knew it would be hot and I knew it would be a lot of climb, but it is still only 18 miles. I show up in my Rock/Creek Race Team Kit and I can see all the topless fast runners sizing me up. They see the outfit and automatically think I must be fast, only to realize I'm the mascot. So I play the part, make my boobs jiggle a little and stand like Nacho Libre so they can check out my quads and hammies. 

David Tosch still hasn't gotten a hair cut and is about 2 inches and trip to Sally Beauty supply from looking like Caitlin Jenner's sister. All of a sudden people start running...evidently someone said go. Right out of the gate this "Ginger" starts talking and in the first 50 yards I know he's from Tuscon on a business trip to Biloxi, and drove there from 3:00 that morning, is not used to running in the humidity, ran a couple days in Biloxi to "acclimate", etc... I quickly accelerated and he wishes me luck. On into the trail I here someone talking behind me and it is Terry Tucson. He begins to tell the guys that he took a caffeine pill and apologizes for being a "chatterbox" but whenever he takes one he can't stop talking. He was right. I heard him talking for a few miles.

The first 3 miles aren't that bad, then around 4-5 we start climbing. To this point it was hot and very humid. I ran most of the inclines and didn't push the flats while sucking down tailwind the whole time. On the ascent to the aid station, there was this dude and chic. We were going back and forth and left the aid station together. Leaving the aid station we start talking about food mistakes and I mention hot wings and how I have a blog called Hotwingrunner. Immediately he told me he reads my blogs and even has it set in his feed. Of course I was smiling...Didn't seem to impress the chic...I'm just assuming she didn't know English or something. I ask him his name and he says... "Greg....Greg Dill." So sometimes things pop in my mind and in a split second I must decide whether to speak or keep silent. Well I spoke. "So Dill huh? Kinda like Dillhole?" Pretty sure the hot chic who didn't know English laughed at that. Told him he was going in the race report. Shortly after that one of the runners Terry Tuscon was talking to caught me and asked me if I was ok...Guess I was breathing hard. He then asked me if I was the guy who wrote race reports...I hugged him. (Thanks Mr. Jemison)
We descend towards Peavine Falls. It is pretty treacherous, therefore there is a rope to help people down. At the bottom, a quick hat dip and we start the suck climb. Its a steep climb with a short descent then another large steep climb to the top. It reminded me of why I only ran one loop last year then quit. However, I am in Pinhoti training and had to purge those thoughts. Up to the top with a long downhill section for approximately 2 miles back to the start/finish area. I feel pretty good, fill up with Tailwind and go back out for a second loop.

As I start the second loop about a .25 mile in there is no one in front or back of me. I feel like I am going the wrong way even though there are flags. I round a corner and all of a sudden SNAKE! In trying to quickly ascertain what kind it is I see a tail, body, head, body, and tail...What the crap? It was a black snake trying to eat what I think was a cottonmouth. I could not believe what I was seeing.  So I blessed the snakes food and took off. Well not really, just shuffled cause I was tired and extremely hot. All of the inclines I ran on the first loop, I was walking on the second. For a few miles I saw no one. Eventually, I see the topless white guy who I heard speaking spanish, wearing a Salomon hydration pack walking. I holler at him to go. He looks back and I say it again.."Go, start running!" So he did. Turns out this was his first race and longest run ever. I caught him and told him just to follow me and do what I do. We'll call him Johnny Mexico, since his name is Johnny and he grew up with missionaries in Mexico. Johnny runs when I run, walks when I walks, then he farts on me! Thats not how this is supposed to work. I'm the only one who does the farting! It's my thing! We make it to Peavine Falls where some kids were playing in it. I know they Pizzed all in it but I didn't care, I wanted to get wet. Told Johnny, it will pay off. Sure enough we began the tough climbs and it was steamy and hot. You know that feeling where you hope a rock falls on you and crushes your leg so that they have to send a helicopter out to get you. It was that kind of heat and climb. 

Johnny and I make it to the top and we begin the descent. Coming towards the finish I see my bro Will Barnwell and he yells his pet name for me. This dude with a mullet pulled back in a pony-tail begins to catch us and Johnny says "Lets Go". Finished with an impressive kick at the end only to discover my overall time 4:yousuck12. It took me 4 hours and 12 minutes to run 18 miles! 

I find out Brandon Mader won, and Megan didn't beat me!

Did you think you could get through one of my reports without a poop story?

So after the race we truck it to Smith Lake in Cullman for a redneck family outing on pontoon boat equivalent of Clark Griswold's station wagon. We lowered some anchors and just sat out in the water enjoying the day. All of a sudden I look on the back about 50 feet away and this chic his hunched down with a float trying to cover herself as she is unleashed a pound of H$LL's furry. Her face is squinched so bad she looked Asian. I knew that look and I knew she was having contractions. All of a sudden she lowers her head on her hand and was in full delivery. She couldn't see me looking cause I had sunglasses on. She was hurting so bad I thought she had started crying. 10 minutes later (no exaggeration) she gets off the bank and back into the water. I knew I shouldn't have, but I looked at the spot she had just left. I am at least 50 feet away. I promise...I saw why she looked like she was in so much pain. It looked like Sasquatch evidence. Whats even funnier is I knew the chic.

All jokes aside...I am so grateful to be able to do these races. I love the friends that I make and the challenges we endure together. Grateful to my God for His amazing creations. My wife had Pig-Tails yesterday that would rival Megan and Pig-Tail Penny's.

Thanks for reading. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Chattanooga Stage Races 2015: Beaver Tail and Tailwind

Trained for ~3 weeks averaging mid 30 mile weeks for this race. That's enough training right?

Woke up early hoping to pinch off some porpoise pellets, but only starred in envy as I watched everyone in the house enter and exit with that look of "Whew! That was a big one." I was jilted. Our worst fears for day one where realized as soon as Randy said go. Heat and 98% humidity produces a breathing rhythm that really sounds like something else is going on if you know what I mean. I won't say who, but Theresa gets tucked in behind me. I'm holding in all my farts cause the way she's breathing, if she inhales one, she would be getting a handicap tag.

The heat and humidity was unrelenting. It was so humid my coin-purse flattened out like a Beaver Tail, or a ping pong paddle. Luckily I had a cable tie with me. One rolling hill after another my pace begins to drop. Everyone is soaking wet. This one chic behind me tells another that her shorts are falling down and her crack was showing. Of course I had to make a couple of jokes. Within the last 3 miles we get a heavy cool rain, but it was too late. I crossed the finish line 22 minute over my previous years Day 1. So discouraged.

Day 2 is always my favorite however, after Day 1's performance I had decided to run the first 5 miles and see if I want to drop the series or not. Miley Cyrus's mom was there and sang a medley Eminem and Taylor Swift songs. Randy said go and I quickly found myself being passed all around. To build up my self esteem I began to make fun of the bald, muscular, tatoo'd dude who was flexing his nips for all the ladies. I looked at the person next to me and said "if I had his shoe size I'd have a hotter wife." Just kiddin. I know my wife far exceeds the pedigree that I should be able to have.
Photo by Gregg Gelmis

Up the rope climb to the trail with the big flat rocks. Well that morning we had a huge rainstorm and the rocks where wet. I heard that shoe slipping sound and turned around to see a dude in the air. BAM! That dude was body slammed. I thought to myself, "that's what you get for wearing Salomon's in wet rocks." Feeling all smug and superior I take my next step and BAM! Same thing happened to me. Walk-run the slow climb on the ridge as every fancy pants in compression from head to toe passes me. I knew if I ran I would be doomed. I rounded the corner for the downhill...I prayed the day before "Lord you are going to have to help me these next two days!" As I started the downhill my race began. I was passing everyone who passed me in the climb and I was feeling great. Back through the start/finish area I was smiling.

Out on the lollipop stem powerhiking the climbs and hammering the downhills I proceeded. Big climb up the power line section to the aid station. As I leave the aid station I see this blonde, Curley headed chic checking me out. She was focused on my R/C race shirt and sweatband combo I could tell she was the kinda girl that likes dudes who wore that or prison jumpsuits with an Afro. Turns out it was fellow Rock/Ceeek Race Teamate member Natalie Sims (the wife of the original Upchucker). This is seriously one cool lady. The conversation really helped the time to pass as we made the loop.
Photo by Gregg Gelmis

Back to the river I set out for the last five miles. I knew that I was having a great day and it was confirmed when I crossed the finish line at 8 minute day 2 PR for me.

Photo by Gregg Gelmis
This is the day I usually dread the most, however I was feeling pretty good. Unfortunately I had no clue how hot it would get. I start very conservative trying to follow the plan as the day before. Everything seemed to go well. After coming back up mushroom rock and turning into the bluff run I should have been running consistently however something wasn't right. 3 people tucked in behind me and walked when I walked, ran when I ran. I find that this tends to push me. Sucking out my last drop of Tailwind I longed for the aid station. In and out on my way to the dreaded 2.4 mile section to the big overlook aid station. It was too rough and I feared losing teeth to push too hard. I found myself walking. Not hurt or wanting to quit...just could not get the rhythm.

Up the wood steps to the overlook with an amazing crowd and aid station people awaiting. After some high fives and hugs I head out. Pass the nursing home I holler out to the residents on the front porch and almost have tears in my eyes. I honestly look forward to that part every year. So I mooned them and took off.

Photo by Gregg Gelmis
Down to the "Broken Arms" section I daydream about Fred Doss. I am still feeling ok and figure I will come in around 4 to 4:10 for the day. Through the winding still river I decide to go for a skinny dip as the ladies passing by cat called me. Back on the trail to the climb out to the last aid station. Kris asks me a question that I have never been asked before..."want me to put ice down your shorts?" Yes ma'am I would like that very much. Listen! Don't knock it till you try it. I have a new fetish.

Approx 4 miles to the finish I'm still thinking I should finish around 4hrs. Out from the woods to the finish... 4:44. DEVASTATION! What happened? 41 minutes over last years time. Congrats to my bro WILL BARNWELL for the overall win, and for Sara Woerner for the female overall win.

So why do I do this? Because I can. Because of the friendships forged by poops, farts, falls, cussing, blood, crack shots, snot, and tears. Because Ryan and Jarret are hilarious on the mic. Because Summer is just there. Because Christian gives massages. Because you meet awesome people like, Anthony, Joshua, Corey, Daniel, Jenny, Chantelle, Nick, Jeff, and Theresa. Because Kris will put ice down your shorts. I do it for the friendships. 

Do me a favor. Go out and buy your pics from below. Gregg Gelmis takes amazing shots and I love seeing him out there. WeRunChattanooga

Lastly, I love getting friend requests...If you enjoy my reports, send me a FB friend request.

Thank you Rock/Creek for putting up with me.

Thank you Janice and Alex for loving me.

Thank you Lord for saving me and not letting me die this weekend!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Mountain Mist 50K 2015-Chicken Caught in the Barn Door

Photos by Rachel Gelmis
You should be able to figure out how my Mountain Mist 50K race went by the look on my face above.
This will be short and only have one funny thing at the end.

The night before, I had Bill Warner, Yong Kim and Nathan Custer sleeping at my house. Yong wet the bed, discovered Nathan was a chic once, and Bill's new nipple piercings bleed on our guest sheets. I probably shouldn't have told you that, but they all live in TN.

We reach the mountain and it is covered in snow. James Falcon is going to pace me to a Mtn Mist PR of 5:40. James, Benj, Dave, Nathan, Darcy and myself set out together. Darcy is wearing these painted on shorts, and I promise...there was a group of men right "behind" her. Benj had on his Salomon junk revealers and they were saggin in the air biscuit release valve. I had on my RC shorty shorts and well Dave was wearing what the average Hobbit wears. 

The course is muddy pretty much from the initial decent on. James keeps us on a 5:40 finish time pace. We reached Aid station 1 at 1:02, right on pace, and crush down Warpath. We expected Powerline to be like doo-doo mud, but it was more like diarhea, slick and brown, but very runnable. Up K2 we power hiked. Managed the rolling of Goat trail to Aid 2. In and out, on our way around Panther Knob. 

Since Lookout 50, my weekly mileage had been lacking. I figured, my athleticism and uncanny good looks should be enough to carry me through this race. I reach the Red Gate, mile 17 feeling good, and embark on the real start of the race (the last 14). By 17 Benj and Darcy had left us and Dave had dropped back. 

We flew over the rocks of Toll Gate, and hammered the rolling rivers of High Trail. I knew that if I could hammer Bluff Line, I was in store for a great race. I get to Bluff Line and James and I blow through it. At the bottom I felt like I had exerted a little too much. Coming to Railroad Bed Aid station I was feeling tired but knew I had to press through the Orthodontist appointment maker called Railroad Bed. We left Nathan and Donnie Holmes in the dust and on to Alms House. Alms was fairly dry to my surprise so the flat rocks were not an issue.

We get to Waterline, and I am grateful to have an excuse to walk. Up to this point I had been sucking down Skratch the whole way, along with my E-Gels. So fruity flavors were starting to get to me. Every year I cramp at the top of Waterline, so I was hoping the Skratch would make the difference. Waterline sucked! However, I never got a cramp. So the Skratch worked. We reached the Aid Station at Burrit and I could barely talk. Megan got me some water and all I could do was nod at James' wife. I wanted to puke SO BAD. James handed me a potato covered in salt. 

We set out for Arrowhead, the trail I hate the most. A Rolling rocky suckfest from the pits of hell.  My battery was dead. People began to pass me, 5,6, 10, I lost count. I was able to hop down the mudpits of Natural Well fairly good. We sat in the pool at the bottom which seemed to breathe some life into me.

Through slush mile I am barely trucking. I am so sick of anything with sugar in it that I cannot drink out of my bottles. Every sip would make me gag and almost puke. James handed me his water and we began up Rest Shelter. I literally almost passed out several times. I would close my eyes and see my world spinning. 

I wanted to lie down at Kathy's bench but James wouldn't let me. I wanted a boulder to fall on me so I could get a med-flight out. 2.5 miles to go and I wanted to quit. We reach the top and I down some water and crackers. WHOA! thats what I was missing. I needed real food in my body. We began a run walk routine. At points I was able to get a decent pace going. James was gracious enough to give me some walk breaks. Through the finish line...Better than last year, but not a PR. I was so disappointed. I had already planned on bailing out of Cheaha in February. 

It seemed like all my friends had great races except for me. I was happy for them but I felt embarrassed by my performance. I soon took comfort in knowing Jerry Abbott sucked even worse. No offense Jerry.

Congrats to Daniel Hamilton, Martin Schneekloth, Benj Lance, and Darcy Dubuc on their outstanding performance.

Now the funny part of the race: So I bought one of those cool towels that you can wrap around yourself and get naked an no one see your giblets. Pulled the shorts off, and didn't think I needed any underwear, and slipped on my pants. So the runway wasn't clear. I closed the barn door on the chicken head. I screamed while the doberman was latched onto the Boloney Pony. Carefully, pulled down the zipper revealing that I had not been visited by the spirit of Lorena Bobbit.

Thank you Lord for helping. Thank you Rock/Creek for letting me on your team. Thank you HTC for having great races. Thank you Janice for fixing my boo-boo.

I love you guys


Sunday, December 21, 2014

Lookout Mountain 50-You Gotta Pretty Mouth

How to prepare for Lookout Mountain 50 miler: Cut down on weekly miles...Run a marathon at a 10:40 pace the weekend before...Have complete expectations that everything will go according to plan.

6 am, cold, volunteers checking people in, Missy answering stupid questions, tent-of heat, 1/4 mile line at the porto's, Randy holding his mic, Michael Scott man-hugging, Rick scared, Chia-Chi lost, Keith wondering what state he is in, getting stuck in the tent with a group from Nashvillians and that one chic asking me if I pooped yet...Having no clue who she was.

The race starts with Chia-Chi, Rick, Jerry and myself about middle of the pack. Somehow the conversation gets on marriage and I state that if Janice every passes, i'm gonna get me a 20 year old. I look at the chic next to me and ask her how old she was...."I'm 41". A few minutes later she says..."but I could lie and say I'm 20...." SOOOOOOO glad Janice wasn't around.

We drop to the single track which runs along the side of the cliff. Dude goes down and hits hard. For some reason I spoke the first thing that came to my mind, "Hey man did you pick your mangina back up?" Mistake #2...he was hurt. Had a hole in his face with blood coming out. A mile or so later I was too close to the edge of the cliff and the ground gave way and I fell off. Thank God there was a thatch of bramble, briars, and sticks that caught me and kept me from have Med-Flight come in. Rick and Jerry are grabbing for me as I feel myself about to fall through. Legs cut up, adrenaline pumping we continue on. I didn't talk about anyones mangina anymore.

Dropping down the mountain under the Incline Railway we eventually make it to Cravens house. Rick and I are climbing with a couple other guys and we come up on this Scrotum, I could tell by looking at him he was a Scrotum...and I addressed him as such. I turned to look at Rick's reaction and didn't think he was gonna back me up in the event of a fight. The funny thing is the guy was proud to be a Scrotum. Evidently there were other Scrotums on the course. How do I know? They had the same Scrotum shirt on....South Carolina Runners Of Trails and Ultra Marathons
So we catch that chic who was all over me in the beginning playing "Angry Turds" just off the trail. Why is it when you catch people pooing they feel the need to apologize? Oh yeah...and go behind a tree! Nobody needs to see your back to crack moss.

I finish the climb and trot back to the start finish. I come through the arch and Randy calls my name over the microphone and pandemonium takes place. Men and women screaming, sports bra's flying, Asian's with camera's, Little people sprinting next to me...I felt like Nathan Holland. 

Talking to my Huntsville peeps, Randy and Jobie...stretch a little and begin the back half (28 miles). 

I was feeling pretty good, had to re-adjust my posture to manage the groin muscle pains. I found that if you lean forward a little, bend your knees slightly, the strain goes down. 

I make it to the Lula Lake Aid station and was welcomed by Michael Scott hollering at me, Jarret Kinder winks at me, Ryan Meuleman's is drinking a Zima (do they still make those), Sam Hamm looks dazed and Missy E is stuffing me with Hammer Gels. 

So I start stretching and something weird happens. Jarret and Sam are sitting next to each other watching me with my legs spread stretching. Jarret says, "you have a pretty mouth", and Sam starts making pig squealing noises. Can someone explain to me what was going on? 

I begin the rope climb and after my stretching experience thought I should continue the trend and showed a little leg to the photographer at the top of the climb. No joke, I rolled my shorts up and he took about 20 pics. 
Finding out Hot Daniel was no longer Hot.

While making the slow climb up the ridge I see Shaggy (aka, Nathan Holland) in first smoking the trails. I make it down the mtn to the tornado trails and eventually see and get hugs from Dewayne, Daniel, Yong, and David. I like to hug. 

I finally make it to the 34/38 mile aid station. I really needed to see my wife. I was beginning to struggle. I knew the 4.5 mile loop coming would feel like a 10 mile loop. My wife nourished me with Ginger-ale and Skratch. Got a little tongue kiss and went by the pavilion where I saw this glorious cookie. I sat my butt down and cherished avery bite. I could tell Robin and others were saying something too me but all I could hear was my teeth grinding that baked cookie-o-joy. I love you Liz, whoever you are. 

The 4.5 mile looped sucked as bad as I remember. Back to the jeep, Janice stroked my chest hair while I drank a coke and had another cookie. Ok, time for a funny story. On the way down the road Jobie hollers at me asking if I remember that story about the guy pooping at a race... The guy is right in front of me. Here is what happened. This guys goes to a's dark, and he decides to go poop in the woods. He rests between two trees and launches a hefty pile. Eventually the race starts and they hit the trail-head. People start jumping a swerving left and right. HE POOPED RIGHT ON THE TRAIL! Thats not the funniest part. It was a loop course!

Back into the woods, through the tornado section, up the mountain and I begin the ridge descent. I do my best to open up and run as hard as possible to gain time. On the way down to the rope I hit a stump and within 45 seconds feel my index toe swelling. I make it back to the Lula Lake Aid station for more comedy. If you didn't have fun at that aid station then you suck. 

I was gauging my progress this year based on when I had to pull out my headlamp. I was shooting for a 10:30 to 10:45 finish. Calculating when I left mile 38, I figured I was on tap for a 10:47. I cross the foot bridge with daylight  and begin the last ~6-7 miles to the finish. I am assuming I didn't have to pull out my lamp until about 30-45 minutes later than two years ago... I was thrilled thinking I was gonna PR big time. 

Chia-Chi and me
Turning on my headlamp, I realized that my depth perception was off. Afraid to run because it was getting hard to see the obstacles, and the darker it got, the worse it was. My run became nothing more than a Shar Hendrick Shuffle. I kept my head down and pushed forward the best I could, however, I knew I wasn't going very fast. I come through the finish line and look at the clock... 11:24. Only 5 minutes faster than two years ago. Sooooo disappointed. However, Monica Manning made me a cheeseburger and added extra love. 

Lesson learned...Never make fun of the way Brooke McClanahan looked after Pinhoti and expect to beat her.

Lesson 2 learned...It's awkward when you wife asks you to show Joo Kim (Yong's wife) a picture of Hot Daniel with his shirt off, and then tell Joo he is more buff now.

If you don't run trails, here is why you should...You will meet the most amazing people and become a part of a club like no other. I am often a little depressed after a big race and the experiences shared. Right now I am in too much pain to be depressed. 

Thank you Rock/Creek for allowing me the honor to be a part of your team. Thank you Randy and Kris for creating races that give me memories for a lifetime, not to mention the birthday gift. Lastly, if you aren't friends with Sid Hood, and Nathan Holland, you should be.

The Long's and the Kim's