Sunday, October 2, 2016

Stump Jump-Bloody Barry and the White Rastafarian

Photo by Jobie Williams
If you know Huntsville runners, then most likely you know who Martin Schneekloth is. He and I are kinda opposite in so many ways...He wears green pants, I wear no pants. He buys underwear from Express, I buy underwear from Unclaimed Baggage, etc...A Chattanooga friend lent us his house for the weekend while he was out of town. So hear is the scene...The alarm was set and we did not have the code. We get the code after about 20 minutes of the alarm going off. I go inside and immediately get in my underwear. A couple minutes later I look over and Martin is his panties filling his bottles with Sword hydration mix. All of a sudden it hits us....If the cops come in they are going to find two guys in their underwear with a bag full of white powder resembling cocaine and a pistol. Daniels has a king size bed and 2 twin mattresses for his kids. We feel it inappropriate to sleep in the kids beds so make the decision to both sleep in the king size bed. As I climb into bed evidently my foot or hand breaches the zone of bro-trust and he freaks out. I guess in Germany, 1 cm over the line means I wanna french kiss. I sleep like crap cause Martin is talking in his sleep and in German so I can't understand. I wake up at one point to find him spooning me but I was so tired I didn't feel like making him move, not to mention I was a little cold. (just kidding...that part didn't really happen)

In honor of Women's History Rock/Creek decided to pattern the course after ovaries. After hugs from Katy H. and Jobie's wife me, Nathan Judd, his sister with a mustache, and David Thurman set out for an adventure. The temps are wonderful with some humidity so the sweating starts early. Being undertrained I start very conservatively hoping it will carry me the distance. This dude comes flying by us after a couple of miles. The Whastafarian (white rastafarian) was sporting a fine man-bun dread locks combo you have ever seen. I really wanted to beat him. Everything is going well, the trails and overlooks are gorgeous. My plan is working out great...gels, Sword and conservative running. Through Indian Rock aid station, high five from Dawson, Mark, Brian we begin the 10 mile loop to McMullen Cove. This section would be rough due to the rock garden. We roll into the Fast Break Athletics aid station and I see my buddy Shannon bent over in pain. I hug her and tell her to just run with us. Her spirits are low so Nathan and I are doing everything we can to cheer her up. Shortly after this a group of us are running and a brown bear or maybe a chipmunk, I don't know which one,it happened so fast, jumped out at me and I screamed and freaked out. No one knew what was happening but everyone thought they were about to die from something. Up a dirt road climb I hear this gagging/choking noise. I turn around and Nathan is sticking his finger down his throat trying to puke. He looks at me and laughs, then does it like three more times. The gaggles and sharp consonants echo up the road and he's just laughing after each one. We roll into the aid station catching my training partner David Thurman. 

I tell the crew, "lets go and get ahead of bloody Barry." So this dude had blood all over his head and shirt. I asked him what happened. He stated he ran into a tree. I thought, how stupid! He showed me the wound and there was bark still in it. We are run together, survive the rock garden and finally make it to McMullen Cove. By this point I had reached my limit of training. Monster drinks, gels and a wink from that hot Molly chic did nothing to help me. Coming down to Indian Rock I hear Shannon say "hear it comes." I turn around and see her bending over. At this point I'm thinking she's about to launch a licorice twizzler from her late night sizzler, but instead more gagging and gurgling. To avoid smelling it I keep going. Around Indian Rock, suddenly I see black and my ears are ringing. Like bloody Barry, I had slammed my head into a tree. It was over. I could not run another step. Dave, Barry, Nathan and Shannon head on and I walk.

Michael Emerling-Photo by Jobie Williams
For 8 miles I death marched and watched more than 30 people pass. You know what pizzes me off? When you are obviously suffering and someone comes by and says, "You're doing great!" No I am not. I am walking and want to push you off this cliff. I climb Suck Creek, Mushroom Rock and literally walk through the finish line.

I am not the runner I was last year, mainly due to the condition I came down with in January, however, I count myself blessed to be out there and do what I do. I our glory and our suffering we meet so many people and develop life-long relationships. 

Grateful to each one of you who reads my Race Reports. If we've met on trails or you like my reports, look for me on Facebook. Also go buy a bunch of stuff from Rock/Creek. I have to justify my existence with them somehow. Tell them I sent you. BTW, I got beat by the lady wearing the granny matching workout pants suit.

Evidently my day wasn't as bad as these two. David Kilgore, running some other race also ran into a tree resulting in a light scrape to his head. Kelli Kilpatrick running the Yeti 100 wins the award for the nastiest chaffing on earth.

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