Hot Wing Runner-The Average Ultra Runner: Oak Barrel Half-My Soft Taco

Pre-Topless- Photo by Gelmis

Sooooo, Oak Barrel Half did not go as planned. I put out there on Facebook that I was going for a 1:35. I picked the wrong course and wrong day to pick such a lofty goal. This week was full of mistakes in preparing for this race. First was food choices: Mei Wei, Ding How, Zaxby's, Nothing But Noodles, and the day before the race...fried chicken and fish for lunch, and Big Ed's meatlicious pizza for dinner and 32 Degrees Yogurt bar. Mistake two was not wearing my spandex under my shorts. Mistake 3, wearing my new McKay Hollow Shirt.

It is a beautiful Saturday morning as we line up for the start. David Bier, Rachel Eidson and myself line up in the front ready to execute the 1:35 plan. The actual plan was for David to fall apart halfway through. Christy Scott had a plan to run a 1:40 and of course my goal was to beat her. I mean not like in domestic violence, more like finish in a blaze of glory then laugh and point as she suffered to the finish line. Good plan huh?

Well I start the race, (wearing a shirt) and everything seems to be going well. Me, David and Rachel are running strong. The course winds through "Deliverance" country and the smell of Cow Caca sticks to your teeth.

David, Christy and Rachel-Photo by Gelmis

As we approach the hill David takes the lead. Friggin Rachel passes me through the steep part. Before the race I took a Gu and at the top of the hill I took a Power Gel. Unfortunately I decided to wash them down with Gatorade which proved to be a muddy mistake. I finally catch Rachel and we run together for a ways just like last year. I forgot how rolling the course is once you get up top. Around mile 7, I am a little ways in front of Rachel and I see a blue poop rocket on the side...I debate whether to stop or not but decided to press on. The further I went the more my stomach was turning. I frequently looked for an exit and was eying the ditch's with water to sit in and launch some poo-peedos. As we are running down the hill I am looking back for Christy and Rachel. Around mile 8 I realized 1:35 was a long shot. At this point David is out of sight and I am doing my best to catch him. While approaching mile 11 I couldn't take it any longer. I saw a small grassy drive on the left going along a fence and exited to play "Crouching Tiger Hidden Crapper". As I hunch and fertilize I can see the runners passing by and if they looked my way they would have seen me. All of a sudden I see Carrie McCary, Rachel, and then Christy. As Christy approached I pondered hollering out to her, but determined not too since she has been known to carry a camera. I also thought I could pinch, squeeze, wipe and run to catch her. Well therein lies the problem...I was prepared for the pinch and squeeze but neglected to prepare for the wipe. There were no leaves, corn cobs or sticks. So I took my 2013 McKay Hollow shirt off, and began the clean up. Outstanding choice of running shirts Blake...It was a pleasure to wipe with. Plus it left no dinglberries. So I pull up my britches and enter the race. I round the corner for the final mile and just run enough to make it in. Upon the final turn I am greeted by Will, Tim, and then Suzanne Taylor, Gregg Gelmis and David. I finish the race topless, with nipple tape on and a time of 1:47.

Photo by Gelmis

After myself, and Aaron Penton hung out with Tim Pitts and others for a while I decided to go to the truck and change. As I am walking this dude who looks to be about a 103.5 yrs old with his beautiful young wife and daughter was waving for me to come over to them. He began to tell me that he and his family read my Race Reports and loved the Mud Pie stories from McKay Hollow. They said that read all my blogs. That made up for a sucky day. I thanked him and his family for not being completely disgusted by the reports and was pleased to make some new friends. Oh and Mr. Fahey...Just kiddin about the 103.5. Not kidding about your beautiful young wife. Did she lose a bet or something?

So I make it to my truck and grab a wet-wipe to do a little hazmat clean up. It seems that I forgot that wet-wipes had alcohol in them. When that maxi-pad hit my soft-taco I lost it. That cheap porto john paper I used before the race evidently took off a layer of derma. My wipe alley was on fire.

Needless to say I'm disappointed in my finish and the fact some cow is gonna use my McKay shirt as a salt lick. Very happy for all my friends that placed in their age group. It seems like most of the first place age group awards went to Huntsville people.

Finally, It seriously made my day when the Fahey's introduced themselves and told me how they enjoyed these race reports. I appreciate all of you who take the time to read them...Shout-out to Jeff Deaton and his buddy. Holluh.